Bess Marvin's Guide to Not Dating Criminals
by Lady Emily
Summary: Let he who has never accidentally dated a murderer cast the first stone.


Disclaimer: I do not own Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys and am making no money from the writing of this story.

A/N: Bear with me, folks, this is a weird and silly one. I guess I felt like, in the books, Nancy and Bess and Frank and Joe just constantly dated people who turned out to be criminals. Going back through the Super Mysteries (I didn't want to get into the files because there are just _too many_) it's really not true, although it happens occasionally. (Most often to Joe and Bess, obviously.) The idea of them all sitting around arguing about it just tickled my fancy, I guess...

Also, spoilers. Spoilers galore. Especially for _Evil in Amsterdam, A Crime for Christmas, Exhibition of Evil, Tour of Danger, Shock Waves, Tropic of Fear, Islands of Intrigue, New Year's Evil_... Look there's just a lot of spoilers, okay? I wanted to do a piece that would reference every single Super Mystery... but sadly, I only managed to cram in references to about twenty-one of them (plus a ND Case File or three). Still, I had to do more research than you'd expect; I reread some of the more obscure and unremarkable ones. I even waded through_ Operation Titanic_ again. Seriously.

Incidentally, Chris Kline is not from any of the Super Mysteries. I made him up. If you want to know where any of the other characters I reference come from, just PM me and I'll consult the spreadsheet I had to make to keep them all straight and let you know lol.

Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Joe Hardy stood up, slapping down the file folder he'd been reading from. Sheets of paper slid out of it and glided across the table. "What _is_ this?" he complained.

He, Frank, and Nancy Drew had been sitting around Nancy's kitchen table for hours. They were working on a particularly frustrating missing persons case. After their first few leads turned out to be dead ends, they were stuck in what felt like an eternal research phase.

Frank looked up from his laptop skeptically. "The police file from Carter's disappearance?"

Pursing her lips, Nancy gathered the papers Joe had spilled and tucked them neatly back into the folder, challenging him without saying a word.

"No, I mean what are we doing here?" Joe rubbed his neck in frustration. "We're not going to find this guy sitting around a table. We should be out looking for him, asking around!"

"Starting where?" Frank pointed out calmly.

"Anywhere!" Joe said, draining the coffee mug in front of him and setting it back down with a loud clatter.

"Fine," Nancy said coolly. "Then go. Wander through the city aimlessly. Let us know when you find him."

"What's your problem?" Joe shot back at her. "I'm just saying, _this_ is getting us nowhere."

"_This_ is called research." she snapped. "It's the part where you look up information about the case in order to solve it. You might recognize it as the part of detective work that _Frank_ usually does."

"Excuse me?" Joe said, folding his arms in front of him.

"You heard me." Nancy said firmly. "How about growing up?"

"How about losing the condescending attitude?" Joe retorted, offended.

"Guys!" Frank said, hastening to break up the impending argument. "Can we just calm down for a second? We're stuck on the case and it's putting us all on edge." He closed his laptop gently. "I think we need to take a break."

"Fine." Nancy scowled, but reluctantly apologized. "I'm sorry I snapped at you, Joe. I didn't mean it."

Joe's jaw twitched in annoyance, but he relented as well, sinking back into his chair. "Me too, Nance. I guess I am pretty frustrated, and I'm just getting restless." he said. "It's probably all the coffee we've been drinking."

She gave him a half smile. "Yeah, maybe."

He sprang to his feet again. "I'm switching to soda." he announced, heading to the refrigerator.

Fighting the urge to roll her eyes, Nancy looked to Frank. The older Hardy looked tired, but his brown eyes sparkled with warmth and amusement as he gave her a shrug. Nancy smiled back at him and blushed, her mood suddenly much improved. "Did you read the stuff Carter's old boss said about him before he was fired?" she asked Frank.

He was about to respond, but Joe cut him off, sitting back down, soda can in hand. "On a _break_, Nancy." he reminded her, and she felt her irritation swell again.

She was about to tell him exactly what she'd like to _break_ when the doorbell rang. "I'll just get that." she said in clipped tones. Her father was at the office, and it was Hannah's day off, so it wasn't like she had a choice. She stalked into the foyer and opened the front door to a distraught-looking Bess Marvin.

"Nancy..." Bess hiccuped. Her eyes were red, and she looked like she was still—or again—on the verge of tears.

Nancy's eyes widened, and she pulled her best friend inside and into a hug. "Bess, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"I'm giving up on men." Bess moaned, and Nancy felt a surge of relief. She'd been afraid that Bess was physically hurt. If it was only boy trouble, _that _she could handle. It was practically a staple with Bess.

"What happened?" she asked, stroking a hand over Bess's hair.

"They just read the verdict." Bess sobbed. "Chris was found guilty..."

Nancy didn't quite know what to say; the reason Chris Kline had been found guilty was because he _was_ guilty... of embezzlement, fraud, and the attempted murder of her and Bess. The trial had been the culmination of a case she'd worked on recently while on a vacation to Florida with Bess. She knew her friend had been smitten with the charming businessman, had even gone on a few dates with him...but she hadn't expected her to react so badly to his being jailed.

"I'm... sorry?" she tried. "But, Bess, we already knew he was guilty. You were there when he was trying to kill us. Empty office building, giant knife... remember?"

"I know!" Bess wailed. "I know he was guilty, I know! You think that's the problem?"

"Calm down," Nancy begged, giving her another quick squeeze before releasing her. "I'm not understanding you. If you know he was guilty, then why are you so upset about the verdict? What _is _the problem?"

Bess dried her eyes and took a few deep breaths. "So I'm making a sandwich in my kitchen, and I flip on the TV and see the verdict, and they're showing Chris in the courtroom, and all I can think is how nice he was to me, and what a great kisser he was, and then how he turned out to be a murderer!"

"Attempted murderer." Nancy corrected without thinking, only to be silenced by her friend's glare. "Do you want to come inside? I'll make you some tea or something." she offered gently, before remembering, "Oh! Frank and Joe are in the kitchen. We can talk upstairs if you want." Every girl had a few guys she never wanted to look heartbroken in front of, and she suspected that for Bess, Joe might be one of those guys.

Bess waved off her concern, although she did smooth down her wavy blonde hair. "No, I'm fine. They're friends." she sniffed. "Besides, I haven't seen them in a while."

Vaguely surprised that Bess would let Joe Hardy see her with bloodshot eyes, Nancy shrugged and led her into the kitchen. She probably should have known—any relationship involving both Bess and Joe couldn't _possibly _be serious.

Bess followed her into the kitchen and greeted both Hardys with a hug before slumping dejectedly against the counter. She looked at the case materials piled in the middle of the table. "Oh, I'm sorry." she apologized. "I must be distracting you guys from working on a case."

"It's fine." Nancy reassured her. She couldn't bring herself to look at Joe as she said, "We were... taking a break."

"Is something wrong, Bess?" Frank asked softly, eying her with concern.

Joe rolled his eyes at the obvious answer to his brother's question, but added, "Yeah, what's the matter?"

Bess repeated the story of Chris Kline, her sandwich, the TV, and the verdict while Nancy went to work preparing the tea. When she finished the story, Nancy went to her side, placing the steaming cup in her hands. "You were about to tell me why you're so upset that a man who tried to kill us is now in jail?" she prompted gently.

Bess glared at her. "Well, what does it say about _me_?" she exclaimed. "I go everywhere with you, I meet all these guys I think are great, and then half of them turn out to be murderers!"

"Well... not _half_." Nancy said soothingly. "Besides, it happens." she gestured between herself and the Hardys, "Who among us has never accidentally dated a murderer?" she said lightly.

"Yeah, Bess. We've all made some bad dating choices." Joe commiserated.

"Some of us more than others." Nancy added pointedly, unable to resist the subtle dig at Joe.

He glared at her. "That's funny, Nan-"

"Don't start, you two." Frank warned.

"Don't you understand how messed up that is?" Bess said desperately. "I have tons of friends—not George, obviously, but others—who've never dated even a single criminal. Do you realize how much mail I get from international prisons, Nancy?"

"Um... too much?" Nancy guessed hesitantly.

"But really, how much is too much?" Joe cracked.

"It's not funny, Joe." Bess said in a high-strung voice. "I got a letter from Willy Brannigan recently to apologize for ditching our date to rob a museum instead. It's like, _hello, you also tried to throw my friends into a volcano,_ but of course he just glosses over that."

"Oh..." Nancy had thought Bess was just being dramatic about the prison mail. "Well... technically, Hawaii's not 'international.'"

"Japan, then!" Bess cried. "I get love letters from Hiro Katayama every week."

"If it makes you feel any better, Bess, I think he actually really liked you." Joe said seriously. "He was going to break Nancy in half before you jumped in front of her. We all saw it."

"Shockingly, that makes me feel exactly zero percent better." Bess said sarcastically.

"If the letters upset you, why don't you just not read them?" Nancy suggested.

"_Not read_ a love letter, Nancy?" Bess said skeptically. "Have you ever tried to just throw away—Oh, never mind. You wouldn't understand. The only love letters you ever get are from creepy perverts and Ned."

"Hey!" Nancy said, offended. "What do you mean by that? You like Ned."

"No, yes, of course I like Ned. He's a great guy." Bess rushed to placate her. "He's just a little..."

"Law-abiding?" Nancy said snarkily.

At the same time, Bess said, "...boring."

Nancy's jaw dropped open.

"So... both, really." Joe said.

Nancy whirled on him, "Gee, thanks Joe, your opinion _matters so much._" she said through clenched teeth. She turned back to Bess. "Ned isn't boring."

"Sorry, Nan," Bess said, realizing that she'd touched a nerve. "I just meant... you can't deny that you've _considered_ dating someone whose idea of adventure isn't trying out a new four-star restaurant."

"That's not-"

"And you have to admit he's not always the most supportive of your cases," Bess continued. "I mean, he does his best, because he's really nice and everything, but I really don't think he always _understands_ how important they are to you," she said. "Not like, say-"

Nancy noticed Bess's eyes flick over to Frank and interrupted her frantically. "And I don't get love letters from creepy perverts, either!" she said quickly.

Bess folded her arms. "Okay, who was the last person who sent you a love letter, besides Ned?"

Nancy reddened. "That's personal."

"Come on, guys," Frank spoke up, clearly seeing how uncomfortable she was. "Don't make her-"

Joe held up a hand to shush him. "'Fess up, Nan, we're all friends here." he said gleefully.

Nancy mumbled an unintelligible answer.

"What was that?" Bess asked.

Nancy sighed. "I said... Mick. Mick Devlin, okay?"

"Ahh, Mick. From Greece." Bess drawled. "I didn't know you still talked to him."

"Greece?" Joe frowned. "Shucks. We don't know him."

"Yes, we do." Frank murmured. "But _we_ met him in Australia."

Nancy accidentally met Frank's gaze and blushed. "I don't still talk to him. Not really. Anyway, he's not a pervert." she said.

"I dunno, Nance." Bess said. "I mean, we're talking about the guy who, knowing you had a boyfriend, spent all summer following us around Europe."

"He wasn't _following_ us. We were just having a good time together." Nancy said defensively. "I thought you liked Mick, too."

"He's all right." Bess said. "But you have to admit it was completely inappropriate for him to propose to you like that, after having known you for, what, two months?"

"He proposed to you?" Joe repeated. "You never told us that! Did she tell you that, Frank?"

Frank didn't answer, though it was obvious from his expression that she hadn't.

"It wasn't a big deal. He just got a little carried away, that's all." Nancy said, shooting Joe a glare. "Regardless, he wasn't a criminal. Though, speaking of dating criminals, remember how you got played by Fiona Fox? Twice?" The subject change wasn't subtle, or fair, but she had to get the heat off of herself.

Joe scowled. "She played all of us."

"Not the way she played you." Nancy retorted.

"That's true," Bess said thoughtfully. "You've dated a bunch of girls who've turned out to be criminals, Joe. Doesn't it make you worried?"

"Why would it?" Nancy said, "With the number of girls he dates, it's statistically _necessary_ that some of them be criminals."

"Uncalled for." Joe protested. "I'm pretty sure I don't date any more people than Bess does."

"Please!" Nancy said, "You change your girlfriends more often than you change your socks."

"Yeah, and?"

Bess gasped. "Joe! Whose side are you on?"

"What?" Joe said, "I'm just saying, fine, we both date a lot. But I haven't dated that many criminals. I have excellent taste in women."

"Oh, sure," Bess scoffed. "Fiona Fox: cat burglar. Sofia Dvorniak: black market weapons dealer. Danielle Rochefort: thief-slash-blackmailer-slash-kidnapper-slash-murderer."

"Oh, come on, I was never _really _into Danielle."

"Regina Frobischer." Bess listed, ticking them off on her fingers.

"Now hold on!" Joe countered. "Regina wasn't a criminal! She only pretended to be to save us from her crazy grandparents."

"Whoops." Bess said. "I always forget about that when I remember her pointing a gun at us."

"Joe's right," Frank spoke up in his brother's defense. "She turned on her family for us..." He shook his head musingly. "Girls just line up to betray their families to save Joe. Remember Emma Romanov-von Baden, in Amsterdam?"

"Poor Emma..." Nancy nodded. It had been a while since she thought about how the young princess had sided with them over her Nazi-gold-stealing brother and grandmother. "She _was _a sweet girl, Joe... I bet you never call her."

Joe shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I want to go back to talking about the _criminals_ I've dated." he requested.

"As you wish." Bess said cheerfully. "Did we miss any, Frank?"

Shooting an apologetic look at his brother, Frank said, "Well, I'm not sure if you and Nan ever actually met her, but... there was Mandy MacMahon."

"Ugh... _Mandy_." Joe groaned. "Thanks, Frank."

"Mandy MacMahon: um... treasonous nuclear arms thief?" Bess said uncertainly. "You know, I'm not sure I ever really understood all the pieces of that case."

"None of us did." Joe said. "Something about the Gulf War. Oh, and as for Sofia Dvorniak? I wasn't the only one of us who was fooled in Greece, Bess."

"True. Theo never writes me though." Bess sighed.

"You know, we're really focusing on the negatives here, Bess." Nancy said. "It isn't like you're the kind of person who wants to date criminals. It's just that you're a very trusting person, who is willing to take chances and give other people the benefit of the doubt." She smiled first at Bess, and then Joe.

"I never really thought of it that way." Bess admitted.

"Plus," Nancy continued, "You've met plenty of great people on our cases too. How many other girls can say they've dated an actor, a cowboy, and a professional diver? Not to mention, you're definitely the only girl I know who's managed to snag not one, but two incognito princes."

Bess blushed, her expression brightening. "That's true. Those were fun cases, weren't they?" She turned to Joe. "And you've dated a couple of actresses, a model, a famous country western singer, and a pop star."

"Even if the pop star did turn out to be lip-syncing." Nancy qualified, and Joe laughed despite himself.

Bess looked over at Frank. "You're pretty quiet today."

Frank smiled sheepishly. "I'm really trying not to become part of this conversation."

"Why?" Joe grumbled. "It's not like you're the one they're picking on."

"There's nothing to pick." Nancy said, smiling at Frank.

"That's true. Maybe we should take a lesson from Frank, Joe." Bess suggested. "Oh! No, wait a minute, I've got one. Remember Taryn Quinn?"

"Oh... yeah, I guess." Nancy said vaguely, watching Frank wince. In truth, she remembered Taryn, from their near-calamitous Padre Island vacation, all too well. If she was _completely _truthful about it (which she tried not to be,) she'd been rather jealous of Frank's interest in Taryn. Even before they found out she'd been involved in the shady activities that were taking place on the island, she hadn't been able to understand what Frank had seen in her.

"You _guess_?" Bess repeated. "You hated her!"

"She tried to blow us up with a land mine." Nancy pointed out. "Was I supposed to like her?"

"No, you hated her before the land mine thing." Bess said slyly, glancing at Frank again. "Since you met her, practically."

Joe grinned. "Oh, yeah, I noticed that too, Nan. You hated her even more than that violinist in San Francisco."

"I didn't hate her." Nancy argued. "Was she my favorite client? No, but-"

"You hated Soong An?" Frank asked, frowning. "I liked her."

"We _know_." Joe said. "Oh, and what about the time you started dating Nancy's arch-nemesis Brenda Carlton? How weird was that?"

"I never dated her." Frank protested. "She kissed me _once_. And I'm pretty sure even that was just to butter me up in case I could give her information for one of her ridiculous newspaper articles."

"And Brenda's not my arch-nemesis." Nancy corrected pettily. "She's not smart enough to be my nemesis."

"And also, not a criminal." Frank felt obligated to point out. "Although I think she came pretty close to being sued for libel."

"Story of her life." Bess said.

"Well, you've found a couple of kindred spirits during our cases too." Joe said to Frank. "Like Faye Gatlin."

Bess laughed. "Oh, right, the daughter of your dad's friend down in New Orleans... I wonder if all your dad's old friends know that none of their daughters are safe?"

"Hey," Frank said, "It wasn't like that. I mean, I liked Faye a lot, but it's not like were were going to..."

"Get married and move to Egypt?" Bess suggested mischievously.

At the mention of Egypt, Nancy felt her face begin to burn. When Bess had interrogated her as to what had gone on between her and Frank when they'd been undercover as a married couple in Egypt, Nancy had denied that anything happened, instead of confessing that they had shared one of the most incredible kisses of her life.

Apparently, Bess had picked up something besides guys on their various cases: detective skills. More specifically, the ability to tell when someone was lying through her teeth.

"I... right." Frank said, clearing his throat. Nancy didn't dare look at him.

Joe took pity on his brother and said something to fill the awkward silence. Unfortunately, the statement itself was also awkward. "Man, we've dated _a lot_ of people."

Bess laughed nervously.

Nancy lifted her head, hoping that the blush was receding from her face. "You know, guys, I think I've figured out why we don't usually discuss our old cases together."

Joe cleared his throat and put his palms out flat on the table, looking at each of his friends in turn. "We never speak of this again."

"Deal." they all said together.


End file.
